Learn emotion regulation skills for increased calm, clarity and wellbeing
Emotions are a normal part of life - you may feel frustrated when you’re stuck in traffic, hurt or angry if someone lets you down, and sad when you miss someone.
Emotions come and go throughout the day, like traffic along a street. Sometimes though, an emotion sticks with us and may feel so intense that we start to look for ways to manage or control it.
This is where Emotion Regulation can help.
What is emotion regulation?
Have you been through something that made you feel like your emotions were out of control? Maybe you wished for a way to work with your emotions rather than feeling like they were controlling you?
Emotion regulation describes our ability to recognise, manage and respond to our emotions as they arise.
When we feel disconnected from our emotional world or unsure how to manage our emotions, they can take over, impacting how we relate to ourselves, others and the world around us.
As you read this post, please remember that emotion regulation skills exist on a spectrum, and may be less accessible for people who are experiencing underlying mental health conditions (for example, anxiety, depression, or borderline personality disorder), past trauma, limited access to support and resourcing, or differing levels of understanding of their emotional world.
If you feel that you or someone you know is having significant difficulties in regulating emotions, it may be helpful to seek guidance from a mental health professional. They can provide a thorough assessment and appropriate support tailored to your specific needs.
Why are emotion regulation skills important?
Developing our emotion regulation skills can positively impact many areas of life, including:
- emotional and mental wellbeing
- healthy relationships
- effective coping
- decision-making
- physical health, and
- personal growth.
Let’s take a closer look…
Mental wellbeing: By practising emotion regulation skills, you can increase your toolkit to effectively manage your emotions. This can have a flow-on effect which supports improved emotional wellbeing, reduced stress levels, and improved overall psychological health and wellbeing.
Relationships and social interactions: Emotion regulation plays a significant role in our interactions with others. Effective emotion regulation skills enable us to navigate challenging situations, express ourselves constructively, and maintain healthier relationships. These skills also help us to respond to others with empathy and understanding, fostering positive and supportive connections.
Coping with challenges: Emotion regulation skills provide the tools to navigate difficult situations, cope with adversity, and bounce back from setbacks. These skills can help you to approach challenges with increased resilience and adaptability.
Decision-making and problem-solving: Emotions influence our decision-making processes. By regulating your emotions, you can lower reactive and impulsive behaviours and make clearer and more informed choices. In this way, emotion regulation skills enhance problem-solving abilities, by enabling us to think clearly and consider multiple perspectives.
Physical health: Our emotional state can impact our physical well-being. Chronic stress and challenging emotions can contribute to a number of physical health issues. Practising emotion regulation can support you to reduce your level of stress, improve the quality of your sleep, enhance immune function, and promote better overall physical health.
Personal growth and self-awareness: Emotion regulation skills are essential for personal growth and self-awareness. They allow us to gain insight into our own emotional patterns, triggers, and responses. By understanding and regulating your emotions, you can nurture self-compassion and deepen your understanding of yourself.
Learning the skills of emotion regulation
Now that it is clearer how emotion regulation can support your overall wellbeing, below are some strategies to help you regulate your emotions.
These strategies can support you to express and release emotions, in order to return to a state of calm – through identifying, acknowledging, processing and integrating your emotions.
Effective ways to process and integrate emotions
Identify and Acknowledge
Begin by identifying and acknowledging your emotions. Take time to ‘notice and name’ what you are feeling. Recognising the emotion without judging, suppressing, or avoiding your emotions. Can you firstly allow the emotion to be a part of your experience?
Identifying and acknowledging emotions can be a learned skill that takes practice. Here are some steps to help you to become more familiar with recognising and acknowledging your emotions:
Pause and Tune In: Take a moment to pause and bring your attention to the present moment. Close your eyes if it helps you to focus. Allow yourself to tune in to your inner experience and become aware of any sensations, feelings, or thoughts that arise. If tuning in feels difficult, this Dropping Anchor exercise can help.
Scan Your Body: Pay attention to any physical sensations in your body. Noticing how emotions are manifesting as bodily sensations; maybe as a tightness in the chest, a lump in the throat, a pit in the stomach, or a warm sensation. Notice how these sensations change, or stay the same, as you feel them.
Label the Emotion: Try to put a name to the emotion you're experiencing. Use a simple and basic emotion vocabulary, such as happy, sad, angry, afraid, surprised, or disgusted. You can also use more nuanced or specific words if they resonate with what you're feeling.
Reflect on Triggers: Reflect on what preceded the emotion. Consider the situation, events, or thoughts that came before the emotion. Be curious as you consider the environment, the people, the behaviours, or thoughts that crossed your mind that may have contributed to your current emotional experience.
Notice Thoughts and Interpretations: Pay attention to any thoughts and interpretations that accompany your emotions. Emotions are often influenced by our thoughts and beliefs about a situation. Identify any self-talk, assumptions, or narratives that may be influencing your emotional experience. Use a “Notice and Name” practice. For example; ‘I’m noticing I’m having the thought that this emotion is overwhelming’ or ‘I’m noticing I’m having the thought that I’m not able to snap out of this”
Use Emotional Vocabulary: Expand your emotional vocabulary by learning and familiarising yourself with a wider range of emotions. This can help you better identify and describe the nuances of your emotional experiences. Resources such as emotion wheels or emotion lists can assist in building your vocabulary. Here’s a feelings list, with body sensations described too.
Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness exercises to cultivate a non-judgmental awareness of your emotions. This involves observing your emotions without evaluating or suppressing them. Accept the presence of your emotions and allow yourself to experience them fully.
Journalling: Consider starting a journal where you can reflect on and explore your emotions. Write about your experiences, thoughts, and feelings without judgement. Journalling can help you become more attuned to your emotions over time. Here’s 20 journal prompts to get started.
Remember that becoming more adept at identifying and acknowledging emotions is a gradual process. It takes patience, self-compassion, and consistent practice. With time and effort, you will develop a greater awareness and understanding of your emotional landscape. If you find it challenging, seeking support from a therapist or counsellor who can provide guidance and assistance in navigating this process.
Express and Release
Find healthy ways to express and release your emotions. This can include journalling, talking to a trusted friend or therapist, engaging in physical activities like exercise or dance, or using creative outlets like art or music to channel your emotions.
Here are 20 healthy ways to express and release emotions:
Journalling: Write about your feelings, thoughts, and experiences in a private journal. Visit my blog on journal writing examples for some ideas of different ways to journal.
Talking to a Friend: Share your emotions with a trusted friend or loved one who can provide support and understanding.
Exercise: Engage in physical activities like running, dancing, or yoga to release built up emotions and boost endorphins (our natural stress relievers).
Deep Breathing: Practise deep breathing exercises to calm your mind and body, promoting relaxation and emotional release.
Artistic Expression: Use art forms such as painting, drawing, sculpting, or playing a musical instrument to express your emotions creatively.
Dancing: Move your body to music as a way of expressing and releasing emotions through physical movement.
Crying: Allow yourself to cry when you feel the need, as it can be a natural and cathartic way to release emotions.
Mindfulness Meditation: Practise mindfulness techniques to observe and accept your emotions without judgement, allowing them to move through you.
Mindful Walking: Take a walk in nature and focus on the sensations of your body and the environment around you to bring awareness to your emotions.
Scream or Yell: Find a private and secluded space where you can release tension by screaming into a pillow or cushion, or letting out a primal yell if you can.
Unsent Letters: Write an unsent letter to someone expressing your emotions completely, releasing and articulating your feelings. For your eyes and thoughts only. Rip it up, or burn it afterward.
Engaging in Hobbies: Immerse yourself in activities you enjoy, such as cooking, gardening, knitting, or playing a sport, to redirect and release emotions.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Practise progressive muscle relaxation techniques to release tension and promote relaxation throughout your body.
Laughter: Watch a funny movie, read a humorous book, or spend time with people who make you laugh. Laughter can provide a positive emotional release.
Singing: Sing along to your favourite songs or join a choir to express emotions through the medium of music and your voice.
Nature Connection: Spend time in nature, connecting with the natural environment and allowing it to have a soothing and grounding effect on your whole body, and in turn your emotions.
Seek Professional Help: Reach out to a therapist or counsellor who can provide a safe space for you to express and process your emotions in a supportive and non-judgmental environment.
Volunteering or Helping Others: Channel your emotions into helping others by volunteering or engaging in acts of kindness. This can bring a sense of purpose and fulfilment while redirecting your focus in a positive way.
Self-Compassion Practices: Practise self-compassion by offering kindness and understanding to yourself during times of emotional distress. Treat yourself with care and empathy.
Breathing Techniques: Explore specific breathing techniques like box breathing, 4-7-8 breathing, or alternate nostril breathing to regulate your emotions and bring a sense of calm.
If this list is looking long, remember that you don’t need to do all of these steps to feel the benefit. Find one what resonates with you or choose the method that feels safe and appropriate for expressing and releasing your emotions.
Reflect and Explore
Take time for self-reflection and explore the underlying causes and what tends to activate your emotions. Ask yourself questions about the root cause of your feelings, explore any past experiences that may be contributing, or any patterns you have become aware of. This reflection can provide insights and help you gain a deeper understanding of your emotions.
Reflecting on and exploring your emotions can be a valuable process for self-understanding and personal growth. Here are some ways to effectively and helpfully reflect on and explore your emotions:
Create a Safe and Quiet Space: Find a quiet and comfortable space where you can reflect without distractions. This could be a designated spot in your home or a peaceful outdoor environment.
Set Aside Dedicated Time: Allocate dedicated time for reflection and exploration of your emotions. It could be a few minutes each day or a longer period once a week. Consistency is key to developing the habit of reflection.
Journal: Use a journal to write about your emotions. Start by describing the emotion you're experiencing and then explore what preceded it (the trigger), possible underlying causes, and any associated thoughts or beliefs. Allow your writing to flow freely without judgement or self-editing.
Ask Yourself Questions: Pose open-ended questions to yourself about your emotions. Examples include "What am I feeling?”, “Where do I feel this in my body - what bodily sensations can I notice?”, "Why am I feeling this way?" “What just happened / is happening or what meaning am I making of this situation, or that person’s comment?”, “What self-talk or assumptions am I engaging in?”, "What might have triggered this emotion or thought train?", and "What does this emotion tell me about myself?" Answer the questions you ask yourself honestly and reflect on the insights that emerge.
When reflecting on the question, "What does this emotion tell me about myself?" individuals may come up with a variety of answers depending on their specific emotions and personal experiences.
Here are a few examples of how someone might answer that question:
"This emotion tells me that I value honesty and authenticity in my relationships."
"It tells me that I have unresolved fear or trauma related to similar past experiences."
"It shows me that I have a strong sense of justice and fairness."
"This emotion reveals that I have a need for personal space and alone time."
"It tells me that I have high standards for myself and a fear of failure."
"This emotion indicates that I have unmet needs in my current situation or relationship."
"It shows me that I have deep empathy and compassion for others."
"This emotion tells me that I have a strong desire for control and certainty."
"It indicates that I have unexpressed anger or resentment that needs addressing."
"This emotion tells me that I have a fear of rejection or abandonment."
"It reveals that I have a need for validation and recognition from others."
"This emotion tells me that I have a longing for connection and intimacy."
"It shows me that I have unprocessed grief or sadness related to a loss."
"This emotion indicates that I have a deep sense of responsibility and obligation."
"It tells me that I have unresolved guilt or shame about a past action."
"This emotion reveals that I have a fear of the unknown or uncertainty."
"It shows me that I have unmet desires or aspirations that I want to pursue."
"This emotion tells me that I have a need for self-care and self-compassion."
"It indicates that I have a strong aversion to injustice or unfairness."
"This emotion reveals that I have unhealed wounds from past relationships or experiences."
These are just some examples; everyone will be different and there are many more ways to answer this question; there is no wrong answer. The important aspect is to take the time to explore your emotions and identify how they provide insights into your values, needs, fears, and personal history.
5. Practise Mindful Reflection: Engage in mindfulness techniques while reflecting on your emotions. Pay attention to the present moment, observe your emotions without judgement, and notice any physical sensations or thoughts associated with them. This can help you gain deeper insight into the nature of your emotions.
6. Identify Patterns: Look for recurring patterns in your emotional experiences. Notice if certain situations, people, or thoughts consistently trigger specific emotions. Check in to see if there have been any changes to your routine lately, such as your sleep (when we don’t get enough sleep, this can impact our ability to regulate our emotions). Understanding patterns can provide clues about underlying themes or unresolved issues that may require attention.
7. Seek Different Perspectives: Consider alternative perspectives on your emotions. Get curious about any negative or limiting beliefs associated with them and seek alternative explanations or interpretations. This can help broaden your understanding and lead to a more balanced view.
8. Use an Emotional Scale: this is a way to assess the intensity or level of different emotions you're experiencing. This can help you track changes in your emotional states over time and identify patterns or trends.
9. Reflect on Past Experiences: Reflect on past experiences that may have shaped your emotional landscape. Consider significant life events, childhood experiences, or relationships that might have influenced how you perceive and express emotions today.
10. Seek Professional Help: If you find it challenging to reflect on and explore your emotions on your own, consider seeking the support of a therapist or counsellor. They can provide guidance, ask guided questions, and offer insights that can facilitate deeper self-reflection.
Emotion regulation is a skill we can continue to build across our lifetime
While emotions are a normal part of life, we don’t always have the opportunity to learn about our emotional worlds and how to navigate them. Emotion regulation can support so many aspects of our wellbeing, and help us to more clearly communicate our needs, boundaries and desires.
I hope that within this post, you have found some new tools and ideas that resonate with you, to support you in practising emotion regulation.
Remember that processing and integrating emotions is a personal and ongoing journey. It's important to be patient and compassionate with yourself throughout the process. If you find it challenging to manage your emotions or if they significantly impact your daily life, seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor can provide additional support and guidance.
Would you like more support around emotion regulation? I offer 1:1 counselling as well as mindfulness and meditation sessions. We can work together on an individualised approach to your needs, with strategies that suit your goals and your lifestyle.
Book a complimentary 10-minute consultation to find out more.