“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters”

— Epictetus

A Tool for High Achievers to Respond to Life’s Challenges

As a therapist working with high achievers, I often support clients in understanding how their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are interconnected. This is particularly important for those in demanding roles where maintaining control and clarity is crucial. When you recognise the interplay between your inner experiences and external actions, you gain the ability to steer your responses, rather than allowing stress, anxiety, or automatic reactions to take over.

One of my go-to tools for helping clients navigate this is Dr. Claire Hayes’ Coping Triangle. This CBT-based technique offers a straightforward yet powerful framework for managing life’s challenges—whether that’s a high-pressure project at work or navigating the complexities of balancing personal and professional responsibilities.

In this blog, I’ll introduce the Coping Triangle and show how it can be a practical, reliable tool to help you proactively manage whatever comes your way.

Introducing The Coping Triangle

The Coping Triangle is a simple, visual framework designed to help you understand and manage your reactions to situations. For high achievers, this can be invaluable in staying in control and making intentional, rather than reactive, choices.

Imagine the Coping Triangle as an inverted triangle (see image) with three key points:

Feelings (top left corner)
Thoughts (top right corner)
Behaviors/Actions (apex)

When you encounter a challenge—whether it’s a tough conversation with a colleague, a sudden deadline, or even self-imposed pressure—this triangle helps you break down your response into manageable parts.

How to use the Coping Triangle

Whenever you face a situation (let’s call it ‘the stimulus’), you can use the Coping Triangle to guide your response. Here’s how:

Step One: Understand What’s Happening Inside You

Start by pausing and reflecting on what’s going on internally:

What are you thinking?
What are you feeling?
What are you doing in response to this situation?

This step is your chance to unravel your initial reactions. For high achievers, this can be particularly insightful as you might discover patterns of thinking or behavior that aren’t serving you well.

Example: You’ve just received an email that feels critical of your recent work. Your initial thought might be, “I’m not good enough,” leading to feelings of frustration and a defensive or overworking behavior in response.

If this step feels challenging, don’t worry—this is where therapy can be incredibly helpful. A therapist can guide you in exploring your inner world and making sense of your reactions.

Step Two: Ask Yourself 4 Key Questions

Now that you’ve identified your thoughts, feelings, and actions, it’s time to dig a little deeper with these four questions:

Do my feelings make sense?
Sometimes it’s not immediately clear why you’re feeling a certain way. This question encourages you to explore the context and root of your emotions.
Are my thoughts helpful or unhelpful?
This is a critical question for high achievers who often struggle with perfectionism. Is your thought pattern constructive, or is it feeding into unnecessary stress?
What do I believe?
Understanding the beliefs driving your thoughts can help you recognise when you’re operating on autopilot rather than with intention. Even if you believe something, it doesn’t mean it’s true.
Are my actions helpful or unhelpful?
Finally, consider whether your behavior is moving you toward your goals or perpetuating the problem.

Example: After receiving that critical email, you might realise that your belief, “I need to be perfect to succeed,” is driving your frustration. Upon reflection, you recognise that this belief is unhelpful and that your defensive behavior isn’t resolving the issue.

Step Three: Form Your ‘Coping Sentence’

Now that you’ve gathered insights from the first two steps, you can create your ABC Coping Sentence. This sentence transforms your thoughts and feelings into a chosen, intentional response.

Here’s how it works:

Acknowledge: “I am feeling [emotion]…”
Because: “…because I am thinking [thought]…”
Choice: “…but I choose to [action or helpful thought].”

Example: “I am feeling frustrated because I am thinking I need to be perfect, but I choose to take a step back and assess the feedback objectively.”

This simple sentence helps you shift from reacting to responding—a crucial skill for anyone managing high stakes or complex responsibilities.

“It’s not things that upset us but our judgments about things”

— Epictetus

Dr Claire Hayes explains the ABC Coping Sentence here.

The Coping Triangle in Action: A Practical Guide

Let’s see how the Coping Triangle works in a real-life scenario:

Check In: What am I thinking, feeling, and doing in response to the situation?
Example: After receiving the critical email, you notice thoughts of self-doubt, feelings of frustration, and a defensive reaction.
Ask the Four Key Questions: Do my feelings make sense? Are my thoughts helpful or unhelpful? What do I believe? Are my actions helpful or unhelpful?
Example: You realise that your perfectionism is fueling your frustration and that your defensive reaction is unproductive.
Form Your Coping Sentence:
Example: “I am feeling frustrated because I am thinking I need to be perfect, but I choose to take a helpful action—such as asking for clarification on the feedback or taking a break before responding.”
For a list of 20 examples of ABC coping sentences to help you in forming your own visit this blog.

A Side Note on Beliefs: The Downward Arrow Technique

Exploring your beliefs, especially core ones, can be challenging. This is where working with a therapist can be incredibly valuable. One technique often used in therapy is the Downward Arrow Technique, developed by Dr. David Burns and Dr. Aaron Beck.

This technique involves asking yourself a series of questions to dig deeper into the core beliefs that drive your thoughts and behaviors. For example:

Thought: “I can’t do this.”
Question: “If I can’t do this, what does that mean about me?”
Response: “It means I’m not capable.”
Next Question: “What’s so bad about not being capable?”
Response: “I’ll let others down.”

By following this line of questioning, you can uncover deeper beliefs that may be influencing your reactions and work on shifting them.

Engaging in this exercise of exploring core beliefs allows you to gain a deeper understanding of why you react the way you do in various life situations. Read more about the downward arrow technique in CBT psychology here.

Moving Forward

The Coping Triangle is one tool for high achievers looking to manage stress, anxiety, and challenging situations more effectively. It’s about gaining control over your responses and making choices that align with your goals and values.

If you’re interested in exploring how the Coping Triangle or other techniques can support you in your journey, I’d love to connect.

Book a complimentary 10-minute consultation to find out more.

For further information, Dr Claire Hayes’ Books can be found here.

If you’d like to work with a counsellor in 2024, please do feel free to reach out and connect with me. We can work together on an individualised approach to your needs, with strategies that suit your goals and your lifestyle.

Book a complimentary 10-minute consultation to find out more.